Being in Control

 

I have heard so many adults over the years say ‘you are dealt your lot in life and you just deal with it’. That has always implied that we have no control over our life. Therefore whatever happens you just suck it up and deal with it.

I was convinced for a very long time that this was true. There were so many things that lead me down a path that I thought I had no control over. My life slowly descended into this place of misery. One day I woke up and wondered how the hell I got there. I was surrounded by this heaviness. A feeling of complete sadness and knowing I had lost my way.  I remember thinking this can’t be my life.

I had woken up to the realization that my marriage was a dead end road. Things had definitely not turned out how I had planned. I was brought up to believe that marriage was forever and you worked through your problems.  I knew that no matter how hard I tried, it could not be fixed. With three young children at the time I had no idea how I could make it right. I knew my children were suffering just as much as I had nothing left inside me to give them.

I didn’t want to get out of bed in the mornings as the thought of having to face another day seemed too daunting. Sleep was the only thing that took the pain away. The negative thoughts that went though my head constantly were so destructive. My self worth was at an all time low and I felt that I had failed miserably in every area. I had failed in my marriage and I had failed as a mother. The overall feeling was I had failed as a human being. I felt useless and worthless. I couldn’t see a way out. It was nothing but darkness with no light in sight.

This was not what I wanted for my life or for my children. It took me a long time to realise that only I could change it. It took me even longer to start making those changes.

After I left my husband  I was given a book called The Celestine Prophecy written by James Redfield. I didn’t mind reading as it took me into a fantasy world where I also didn’t have to think about my life. This book was, and still is considered a new age book to help people awaken but was written in a story form. Everything in the book resonated with me. I began to wonder if maybe I did have some control.

Well, skip forward 18 years and I can promise you that life is what you decide. You have total control over your thoughts and the decisions that you make. It is in your control to change the thoughts that are within you to more productive ones. No one has control over what you think except you!

This was one of my most valuable lessons. I had to stop my thought processes. When a negative thought came into my mind I had to acknowledge it. Stop. Breathe. Then turn it into a positive thought. When you are suffering from depression, this is the hardest thing you will have to do. It is not as easy as it sounds. With practice I became better at it until it became natural.

Change is never easy. I was suffering from severe depression. As much as I didn’t like myself or my life I had to make the decision to get out of it. You need to get to the point where you say “enough!” You have to want to get better MORE than you want to stay in your comfort zone.

It took me a long time to take back the control of my life. I look back now and can see every decision that led me to where I ended up. Decisions that I had made. So much time wasted playing the victim and blaming everyone else for everything that went wrong in my life. I accept now that it was my choices. My decisions. I am so grateful now that I tried to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

As the years have gone by I have mastered my thoughts. I am not perfect. I still have ups and downs like everyone else. In the end I know it is my choice how I choose to react to situations that come up. It is my choice to hang onto a negative thought or to discard it.  Believe me I am not immune, those thoughts still arise. I just choose now to let them go. I do not let what other people think of me have an effect on my mood. Also I don’t allow the actions of others to get to me either. This is my life. I am in control. I know I am strong enough now not to let those thoughts take hold again. No one else has that power or control over me.

My children are now all grown up and they are happy, healthy well adjusted adults. Glad I made the choice to change. My children are too. The light at the end of the tunnel just gets brighter and brighter. I am finally happy. Life is great. It is what I choose it to be.

What do you choose?

Are you ready to take control?

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